Refocusing My Energy

My final IUI failed. It took me a while to process that, but I think I’m ok now. Seeing that negative hurt. It took me a whole week to get past being weepy all the time. The past week has been a tough week in more ways than one. It didn’t allow me much time to dwell on the emotions that came with a negative test.

I tested on Friday the 19th and called the clinic to let them know that it was negative and that I wasn’t coming back until next summer for IVF. They said they weren’t scheduling that far out yet, so I have to call back in February to get scheduled for the August IVF cycle. I’ve been asked why I’m waiting so long to go through IVF. The first reason is that I want to save as much money as I can before doing this. I’m not going to be able to save the whole $15,000, but I feel like if I can save at least half then I’ll be doing ok. The rest will be financed through a medical loan. The second reason is because, if I have a chance to choose, I want to time my baby’s birth during the spring/summer and away from the winter holidays… This will be my only attempt at timing it though. I’m getting to the point where I’d just rather have a baby sooner rather than later.

When I got the negative test I was hurt and angry. I had no reason to think that this would be difficult in any way. I’m healthy, the only thing that I’m lacking is a husband to give me a baby the old fashioned way… That didn’t stop me from desperately grasping for a reason. The only thing I can come up with is my weight. I’m not exactly a small girl… So, now, my new focus for the next 7 months or so of waiting will be losing weight. I see a lot of chicken, fish, and veggies in my future. I also have a treadmill. It’s in the room that will eventually be a baby’s room so all the hand-me-downs that I have for a baby is in there too. Every time I exercise I can look at the baby stuff and know exactly why I’m working so hard. The perfect motivation.

The day of my negative test I drove the 4 hours to Houston for my best friend’s college graduation. It was a tough drive. It rained all the way, and then when I made it to Houston it was rush hour and they had shut down traffic in two lanes of the freeway for a big truck with a flat tire… Traffic was at a total standstill which added another hour to the trip making it 5 hours total. Nicole’s graduation was the Saturday morning and it was great to see her graduate. I know how hard she’s worked for it so I am really happy for her. There was an after party at a Mexican restaurant. The Sunday morning we all had breakfast to celebrate my birthday which was interrupted by work. I got the first work situation settled, then went to meet an old friend for coffee. J is struggling with infertility and just had an IFV procedure. It was nice to catch up with her. I don’t know yet how her IVF turned out, but she’s in my thoughts constantly. After coffee, I drove back home to Louisiana. The minute I got home I ended up having another work situation. Besides breakfast and coffee, I spent my birthday either working or driving… Sometimes I was doing both. It sucked.

The Monday and Tuesday of Christmas week I continued to try to handle the work situations which had only gotten worse. On Tuesday, I did manage to have a late birthday lunch with another friend, A, who is going to jump on my little weight loss band wagon. It’s nice to know that I’ll have him to help motivate and support me while I battle my weight. On Christmas Eve I went to celebrate the holiday with my family. Christmas day was spent by myself, and it was the first day post negative test that I got to just sit and be alone to process it. I didn’t get a reprieve from work for long though. Most of my Friday at work was calm… until there was a project thrown at me when there was only 20 minutes left to the day… So guess who got to work Friday and Saturday? I’m more than just a little burned out at work.

I have to say… I am so grateful for my friends support in all of this. Nicole gave me a gift for my future baby. Its a cute little piggy bank covered in LSU logos because she knows I like the team… I assured her that it WILL BE USED one day! That gift was enough to give me hope. A gave me this beautiful little plaque and the message couldn’t have been more appropriate… And it was enough to give me strength.


I hope everyone else had a wonderful holiday.

11 thoughts on “Refocusing My Energy

  1. I am so sorry Rachel. I know it’s so hard not to get angry with situations we can’t control. But it’s great that you are turning that into something motivating, and hopefully come this summer you will have a win!! Good luck! You have so many people in your corner praying for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. First off, Happy Belated Birthday!!! I’m sorry that you had to spend so much of it driving and working though. I’m also so sorry that the IUI didn’t work. I know how tough it is to see those negatives…especially after you are financially and emotionally spent! Sending you big hugs!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Rachel, so sorry the final IUI didn’t work. But…I think you made the right choice to try a round of IVF rather than spending more money on those IUI’s. I felt like I spent those months in a limbo…until that BFN and then the pain hit me. BUT…you have an amazing journey ahead! Good luck on the weight-loss thing too…It’s a great thing to do for yourself, whatever the reason. I, myself have put on nearly 20 pounds through a combination of those IUI hormones, Christmas and lack of my usual running/fitness routine (I stopped because I heard intense workouts were bad for fertility…but then again, so is weight gain, so who knows?!)
    I’m hoping to start my IVF end of January….can’t wait! Keep us updated on things!


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