Don’t get me wrong… I’m so very excited for every pregnancy announcement I see! Every baby is a blessing no matter if it’s mine or someone else’s… But, it hurts sometimes… I never realized how many baby announcements there are during the holidays until I started trying to get pregnant. I’m not sure if most of my friends understand what this whole process feels like for me. I know I shouldn’t expect them to understand. Most of them have husbands and unlimited FREE chances at getting pregnant. I only have as many chances as my bank account will allow. Every attempt is closer and closer to my last chance at starting my family. My head is spinning, my heart is aching, and I’m still sitting here twiddling my #&%$ing thumbs. This two week wait feels like it’s been going on forever. This one has been so much worse than the others because I know that if this round didn’t work it’ll be at least 6-7 months before I will be trying again.
I made 9 days post IUI this morning. I decided to once again test out the trigger shot. Yesterday, 8 days post IUI, was my first stark white negative. The trigger is completely out of my system. It makes me not want to test anymore. Each day that I get a negative, my hopes get shot down a little more, over and over again. I might just quit testing and wait until the 14th day to get it all over with at once. I’ll either be pregnant, or I won’t. No torturing myself with a pregnancy test every morning.
I’m just having a hard time. I need to vent. I’ve had multiple people tell me how strong and brave I am for deciding to take this on by myself, but right now I really don’t feel like I am either of those things. As I face yet another holiday season so completely alone, I just need a hug, and I need to cry. I’m not normally the type of person to throw hissy fits very often… but I’m just not sure how to keep it to myself much longer.
Next week’s blog post will be late. I’m going to be in Houston during the weekend to support my best friend who is graduating from University of Houston! I should find out if I’m pregnant Friday, She graduates on Saturday, and it’s my birthday on Sunday. I’m just hoping to get a blog post in before Christmas, but don’t be surprised if I have to wait until after.
Coming Soon! The results of my final IUI.
The Fertility Blessing
You know my deep desire for a child. A little one to love and to hold, to care for, to cherish. Grant that my body may conceive and give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby in Your holy image.
Guide me in all my choices so that this conception, my pregnancy and my baby’s birth are in line with Your will.
Heavenly Father and Holy Mother, hear this prayer of my heart, mind and spirit.